Faith and a bag?

*Warning this will be a long post, in typical Autumn fashion! :)*

Recently Thirty-One had what they call "believe and achieve incentives". The incentives ran for 7 weeks allowing consultants to earn a free gift each week they submitted a party, I was pretty bummed that I had missed out on earning some awesome free stuff, then out of nowhere they announced they were extending the incentive for 1 more week and that the 8thweek would be a random surprise gift from the previous 7 weeks,so basically a chance for me to at least earn one of the items I had missed out on.

My lovely and sweet friend Cigi Halsey submitted her catalog party in enough time for me to earn week 8! I was excited however, if you know me you know I HATE surprises and it was driving me crazy trying to figure out what my item would be, once the item was shipped I was allowed to know what it was, and then I was really really excited to see I had earned a BRAND NEW item that hasn't even been released yet, this new item is slightly larger than the ever popular organizing utility tote and it has a zipper(the technical name is "The Perfect Organizing Utility Tote", well immediately I knew it would make a perfect diaper bag (yes something else for me to add to the overflowing closet of baby stuff).

I received it yesterday and of course I "tried it on" modeling it for Scott and totally in love with it! For these incentive products Thirty-One usually includes embroidery or a key chain with the item that says "just believe" and I commented to Scott about how fitting that was for this bag and my intentions for it...reluctantly I placed it back in the bag and laid it on the table so I could finish sorting orders for Cigi's party when I looked up and saw the back side of the key chain, the word FAITH

I then had tears in my eyes, to most this is probably the silliest post about a bag you have ever took the time to read, but to me it was just another sign from God to keep my FAITH!

 This time of year can be really difficult for those of us who are trying to build our families, Contrary to what most people believe I don't share about our journey for sympathy(you can only have sympathy for the situation if you've actually been through it your self), I don't do it as a way to have a pity party. I do it because its important to me and Scott it's important that people know what we go through, again not so you feel sorry for us but so that maybe you can gain some understanding as to why we do the things we do.

Every day takes courage for us to face, I have to make the decision every single day to smile, even when I don't feel like it, even when I'm taking my fertility medicine, even when I see someones post about being pregnant...I have to choose to smile...Why you might ask, well because I have faith. I have faith that all our praying and waiting and wondering and tears and screaming fits and unbelievable heartbreak will one day all be worth it.

When you've believed for something for as long as we have, the easy thing to do would be to give up, but that's also why we refuse to give up, we have waited too long to give up now! I go back and forth about if I should really talk about what we go through or not and the real truth is I don't care if anybody reads my post or not, I don't do it for other people I do it for us. I want to look back one day with my 6 year old and explain how much mommy and daddy wanted him or her, how hard they fought to get them, What an incredible blessings they are to us both and most importantly, I do it so that our child or children will one day see just exactly what happens when you have FAITH!

Here's a picture of this totally awesome bag and the key chain that made me cry, I truly love this bag and I can say with 100% certainty
it will be our diaper bag when our time comes!

Whats your crucible?

All morning I had been thinking about the journey that Scott and I are on to conceive, with almost 4 years in its way to easy to get discouraged. Ya know though God has a way of well being God (haha) and I have no doubt that he aligned things today so that my faith would be restored. When I got out of the tanning bed and back into my car, I caught the last little bit of the message below on 106.9. Like I said I just caught the last little bit but what I heard went something like “We all have a crucible that is in our lives it could be I’m a single parent or a number of things like we are trying for children…that thing, the crucible in your life is the very thing God wants you to praise him for!” At first I was like umm no I didn’t just hear that, and then there was a peace in my heart and I knew that I was in-fact meant to hear this message. Once I got home I did what I have always been taught to do, which is read the scriptures for myself and I did, I also listened to the message a few more times. I talked with Scott about it, and I took notes LOTS of notes!  Ephesians 5:20 says: “Give thanks always for all things to God the father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ”. I’m sure this message can help someone else! For me as a believer it really opened my eyes and my heart about the things that I’m willing to let God be in control of in my life! I encourage you all to listen to this message and then do like I did and read the scriptures for yourself! We all really do have a crucible in our lives and although the choice of praising God for it is not an easy task, I’m sure I was meant to hear the message so that I would change my praise, and thus my situation will change, one last tidbit I gathered from this message was “You will know your faith is in the right place when you choose to praise God in all times for all things!”

ttp://www.jamesmacdonald.com/ministries/walk-in-the-word/broadcast/gripped-by-the-power-of-christ-2/#divAudioPlaylist-tab

Small side note I had initially intended this post to be a Facebook status update but then remembered I have a blog! haha and I can make my post on my blog as long as I want and they can be about anything I want...with the added bonus that is someone doesn't want to read it then they simply don't have to click the link to my blog! And so here on the blog this post has landed its really a win win! Is this a come back to the "blogger world"? Guess we'll all have to wait and see! ;) 

Does anybody hear me?

There is a song by Casting Crowns with the lyrics: "Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?" Today was one of those days for me. Let me first say that I know that the Lord hears all my prayers, however going through this infertility journey I mostly feel alone...I don't want a pity party that's not what I'm looking for but today like many other days I feel like I'm working so hard, I do so much and still so alone on this journey its been months now since we actually went to the fertility doctor, its like we took 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. Scott and I had decided a month or so ago that God must have some big plan that we cant see and we just gatta make it through all this crap to get us to where He wants us to be, I felt a peace that night when we had that conversation but it didn't take long before the sadness set it. My heart aches to be a mother, there's not anything I wouldn't give, there's not anything I wouldn't do! There are people out there who think we cant afford a baby and people out there who think we don't have enough faith that it will happen, I just don't understand how anyone can think those things, In a room full of people with children I could almost bet that they couldn't "afford" to have children either and after years of keeping our faith I openly admit that it wears a little thin sometimes but that doesn't mean I don't believe it will happen. We have faith, I make that statement because if I didn't believe that it would happen I wouldn't be sitting here writing this I would have already gave up on that dream and moved on. And about the money, well if you have thousands and thousands just laying around then you should be thanking the Lord for your blessings! I've said it before and I will continue to say it North Carolina does NOT require insurance companies to cover infertility, which includes but is not limited to the testing and treatment of infertility. Therefore if you live in a state like we do that doesn't mandate infertility coverage than you must pay for all testing and treatment yourself, and just a little heads up on that as well most doctors who treat infertility will at minimum want to see you a couple times per month while you are on treatment so that your body can be monitored on how it responds, that's the hand we've been dealt right now at this moment anything we have done is paid out of pocket...At my age I have learned that I don't have to please others and opinions are just others peoples thoughts about a situation, after-all its easier to judge when your not dealing with it yourself ya know the whole "if you cant say anything nice, don't say anything at all" yea? Well that applies to everybody and every situation if you don't know what your talking about its best to not say anything at all...While I try to ignore those type of things and I try to surround myself with people who will stay in faith with us, that doesn't mean that negative words and actions still don't hurt...Some may argue that we "ask for it" when we share openly about our lives and our struggles(me more than S) I'm sorry if talking about my life offends you don't have to read about it, that's your choice and you should make choices that are right for you! As I set here tonight alone in my quiet living room, I imagine what the sound of tiny giggles and the pitter patter of little feet will sound like running down my halls, I hold my stomach and I ask God "why us? Why does anyone have to feel this pain? I wipe my eyes and I say thank you Lord for our babies, thank you Lord for your comfort, Thank you Lord for all the blessings you have already given us. In Jesus name I pray Amen" Again I certainly don't want pity or for someone to feel sorry for us but what I do ask is that you take a moment and say a prayer for us, just stand in faith with us that we will defeat infertility and we will have babies lots and lots of babies(I'm totally OK with being like the Duggers on TV haha)! Also I didn't write this to offend anyone, once again this is our journey and I feel it's important to document the things that are going on in our lives. On a total side note here (that's how my mind works...) Happy Birthday to my little sister today! Maegs if your reading this I cant believe you are 20! I hope your day was amazing! -A

Our Journey Q and A

We decided it would be fun to do a Question and Answer blog post! This will be funny to those of you who know us, you'll see that most of our answers come off as if you were sitting in front of us having a conversations. also you will see some abbreviations below and those are typical terms for the people in the infertility community but just in case you are unfamiliar here's a cheat sheet:

TTC= Trying to conceive
2ww= Two week wait referring to the time between a women's fertile window and her next period.
Preggo= pregnant
HPT= Home pregnancy test/tests

Her responses are in pink his are in blue...

We had fun answering these questions and we hope yall enjoy learning more about our journey and who we are.

1. How long have you been trying? A says: 3 years this month S says:Since we got married
2. How many kids do you have?A says: No human babies but we have to wonderful furbabies that we love dearly! S says: non unless you count my cat and my dog!
3. How old are you and Hubby? A: 22 S:28
4. How long have you been married? A says: 3 years and 3 days S says: 30 years...nah it just feels like it, we've been married for 3.
5. What are some crazy things you do to TTC/while TTCing? A says: We have pretty much done it all, if you've heard about people who have stood on their heads to make it happen that would be us, well not both of us but I honestly have tried that! S says: me nothing...I don't really have to stand on my head or flip over backwards or anything like that ya know
6. Does your hubby know all about the TTC cycle? A says: He knows when my period is on its way, he also knows my fertile window(I try to make it a point to tell him that). Other than those two things that's all he knows. S says: I know when it's fixing to start but I cant tell you anymore than that! When she gets ill wants something salty and crunchy all at the same time I know its about time
7. Have you been diagnosed with any kind of infertility? A says: Neither of us has been diagnosed with an actual problem however you are considered to have infertility after you have been trying for 12 consecutive months without a successful pregnancy and since we have been 3 consecutive years without a pregnancy we assume there is something wrong. S says nope,but we are in this together and I don't consider it a my problem or a her problem
8. What keeps you busy in the 2ww?A says: Anything I can think of to keep my mind from wondering if I am pregnant or if I should test, that normally includes reading, passing time on the computer and doing extra work for my 31 business, I really try hard not to think about it, but that normally makes me think about it more!  S says 1, fire department and all that, that involves, 2. browsing the internet for things I cant afford, 3. lots of coffee. 4. humming along to the jeopardy theme song that I hear in my head while waiting.
10. What sex are you hoping for? A says: since we have waited on a baby or babies for so long now I really don't have a preference about boy or girl(although I have bought more girl things than boy) I would love either no matter what and would be so grateful to God for whichever he decides to bless us with of course I would be even more excited if he would give us twins, a boy and a girl and then we'd never have to go through this again! S says: any sex is fine with me!!!
11. How many preggo books do you have? I have several baby name book, I also have some books for moms and several books about pregnancy i think I have one or two specifically about infertility. S says: I have one about parenting
12. How many HPT's do you go through a cycle/since the beginning of TTC? A says: It just depends if I have a "feeling" about that month then I may use up to 4 in one month but we have had several months where I haven't used any at all. So I guess if you averaged all 3 years it may come to 1 per month...S says: a truckload!
13. What have you bought for your baby/pregnancy already?A says: We have bought several outfits for boy and girl also we have bought gender neutral clothes. I have several children's books as well that we will use for our children, I have also bought a nursing cover...We plan on soon buying the major pieces of furniture because those are general neutral. S says: Technically I haven't personally bought anything
14. What themes/designs do you like for a nursery?A says: I love the owl theme for either boy or girl, I also like monkeys for boys and birds for girls I know we both want something that will be easy for the baby/ babies to grow into so we aren't having to change the room decor and such several times  S says: Whatever the hormonal pregnant lady wants!
15. Do you plan to do pregnancy blogs/Vlogs when you get preggo? A says: definatly plan on doing something to document our pregnancy, its not that we're self centered but this is such a struggle for us we want to remember all the details about how are baby/babies came to be. S says: maybe not everyday but yea Id like to do one or the other
17. How do you want your labor/birth plan to go?A says: I would love to have a natural labor and delivery but above that I just want there to be no problems! S says without any complications at all, everything to go smoothly.I want it to be easy and perfect.

S: For the guys out there who are going through infertility issues with their wives, Just be there for each other. I know the feelings, and emotions can make it easy to shut down, and not communicate with you wives, but seriously dudes, you need each other the most when that time comes. Just stick together and ask God to let it bring the two of you closer... Until the time comes, when you get to hold that little one in your arms, and you become that "proud papa," Just wait patiently on the Lord to do his magic!

Still waiting...A catch up post, its been a while!

This will be a long over due update on our journey in trying to conceive. I wish I had big exciting news to share, on that note I wish I wasn't sitting here writing a blog about the struggles of trying to get pregnant, but I have no exciting news right now and I am writing a blog about infertility. Onward we must go so here's the update:

July 29th: Drs appointment at a new OB/gyn...found out I wasn't tested for everything at the previous OB and would need further testing...I felt so angry! Asked about cost of these test was told if we payed cash on the day of service it would be right around 550-600.00, I became more angry, we didn't have that money just laying around, and all though conceiving a child is number one to us both we still have to live and pay our regular bills. Dr said no more appointments and no meds would be prescribed until those test were ran, she didn't want to treat something with meds if she didn't know what she was treating. I totally understood that and it gave me some sense of confidence in her. We went home. I cried, we prayed, life went on...

August 23rd: Called OB/gyn to schedule the test that were needed (its important to keep in mind that one of those test is an HSG considered an out patient procedure), Spoke with receptionist, was planning on scheduling both test for the same day near the end of September. Receptionist asked if I had spoken with the hospital about their cost of the HSG, replied no was transferred to the appropriate department at HCMH(elkin). Was told that in addition to the cost that the Dr charges for the HSG, the hospital charges about 500.00.(that's the cost after a 33% discount for cash, and that's only 80% off the actual cost, but the 500.00 is due on the day of service).. I fought tears back as I thanked the kind lady for her time, hung up the phone,did the math I needed around 1004.00. I was heart broken and feeling incredibly alone...called my mama(that's what I do when I need advice) mamas' advice is normally the same, she suggested we pray, I agreed. I cried some more, Something you must understand about me, I hate asking for help its just not something I like to do, but when I thought about the 1000 I needed plus the feeling of already not being "women" enough to make a baby I became hysterical...

Today:  I'm holding it together, been looking again at insurance, for the most part have received the same answer form the insurance companies, either a flat out "no we don't cover infertility or maternity coverage" or "we cover the diagnosis of infertility but not the treatment" I cant help but to wonder why us? If you've never dealt with infertility then you have no idea, no idea of the things you I tell yourself myself(even when you I know you I shouldn't have those thoughts, you I know that its just the devil feeding off of a sad situation and making you me feel worse). I don't wish this pain on anyone,never in a million years would I wish this on anyone! If God wont give me more than I can handle he sure does think I'm an awful strong person...I don't deserve to have infertility issues, but you know what else I don't deserve or what else any of us deserve? We didn't deserve for Jesus to die for our sins, that's not fair, what a love he has for us, there is nothing I did to deserve to be forgiven and to deserve to have eternal life, but he gave it to me anyway, just because he loves me!

Right now: I'm sitting here imagining the moment when we will find out all of our faith and all our waiting has paid off, I think of the too cute baby outfits Ive bought in the last couple of weeks, cause hey you gatta walk by faith and for me, if I have to remind myself to keep my faith by buying baby items here and there, well then call me crazy if you want, but I'm believing God that there will be a baby or babies to fill those clothes...I would show you all because they are adorable, but its hard enough admitting I have baby clothes and shoes and no babies for those things yet....

We've done it all, and heard it all..."when its time it will happen, just relax, try not to think about it, your still young you have plenty of time." While we appreciate those who want to give advice, somethings are just easier said than done and somethings are never understood until its you...I'm a wealth of knowledge when it comes to TTC(trying to conceive) I've researched, I know things about a women's body that if I had to bet most women with children wouldn't even know, like the fact that a "normal" couple only has a 20% chance each month of conceiving, there is only about a week in each month that a women is fertile, NC is a state that doesn't mandate the coverage of infertility, so insurance companies in NC don't have to offer coverage for infertility, although 6.7 million women ages 15-44 in the U.S. have an inability to have children. While I know all of this the most important thing I know is that God's word has never failed, and he put a desire in my heart to be a mother, and his word says he will give me the desires of my heart, and as I've said before until then we will be faithfully waiting...

While we're waiting

     A couple of weekends ago we had just came back home from eating and decided to watch a movie, We had a friend over and while of course my first vote for the movie to watch was Sweet Home Alabama my vote was vetoed and we all agreed upon the movie Fire Proof.
    
     If you haven't watched this movie then you need to.  It’s a great story and is actually based on a book that helps strengthen relationships (The book is titled the Love Dare).  Scott and I have seen this movie several times and we both enjoy it.

     Since we have already seen it, I decided that I would make some brownies while the movie played, and of course the guys were talking about the fire station and trucks along with the other fire related things that the movie showed. Ya know totally not my thing. I love that Scott is so passionate about helping people and putting out fires and all but it just scares me to think about and although I am his biggest cheerleader, I personally have NO interest in fire, I mean hello Fire = HOT+Scary, which is defiantly not an equation I want to be a part of.
   
     As I'm in the kitchen checking on the yummy treats in the oven a song starts to play on the movie, I don’t remember ever hearing the song before but something about the words just went straight to my heart. There was a line that said "I'm waiting on your Lord, though it's not easy, no but faithfully I will wait" I turned around and looked at Scott and said: "Did you hear that, he said faithfully I will wait, and the name of our blog is faithfully waiting, that’s crazy we gatta find that song!"

     The song goes on to say: "I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience. While I'm waiting I will serve you. While I'm waiting I will worship. While I'm waiting I will not faint, I'll be running the race, even while I wait, I will serve you while I'm waiting, I will worship while I'm waiting on you Lord"

     The lyrics to the song have come to my mind several times over the last couple of weeks. While I would love to just stay curled up in my pj's and wait for our child, doing that is not a possibility and its not realistic. Also that is not God's intentions for our lives. We will never be given anything that we cannot handle and we can’t just set around when we are in a battle, we must stand up and fight for the things that the Lord has put into our hearts as desires.

     While I may get upset and don’t understand why this is the battle Scott and I must face, It is the hand that we have been dealt and we refuse to let it bring us down. I use to say "there is a reason for everything", as I have grown up and have became an adult I don’t agree with that as much as I use to but I do believe it is true in this situation, because I believe the Lord wants us to use our story to help others and to be an inspiration (although I don’t know what kind of job I'm doing at that) to others. He has a plan and although we can’t see it now and don’t understand it we will continue to run this race with our heads held high and following the Lord.

     I encourage you to go find the song on youtube it's titled “While I'm waiting” and is sung by John Waller, I love it, and hope that it will give you all some encouragement as you wait for whatever it is that the Lord is working on in your life!-A

Stay tuned there will probably be another post up soon that discusses some things I (A) have been feeling lately and also some things that have been said to me recently. Also I have an idea for a Q&A post with both Scott and I so if you have any questions please comment and we will try to answer them all in that post! :) I (A) enjoy blogging and hope to get better and learn more about it but let me know if there is something in particular you'd like for us to share about, We decided to blog as a way to document our journey with infertility but we would love to talk about things that are of interest to those of you who take the time to read our post!

No use crying over ruined pj's?

     This afternoon after working all night last night and being up running round town doing errands all day with the hubs we finally get home and I of course decided to get comfortable which means I want to put my jammies on. Now I don't know about yall but I sleep in my pj's at least twice before washing them and I will admit that 90% of the time they will lay somewhere in the bedroom floor until they have been worn for the second time, unless of course by some miracle they make it into the clothes hamper.

     So this afternoon was no different than any other as I look at my bedroom floor and spot the black 80's inspired jammie bottoms(that were just purchased last weekend and had only been worn once so far) and I immediately decide yup those will be perfect, I pick them up and to my horror I find that there is a huge hole in them,now you'll remember I said I had worn them once only.

     My mind automatically flashed back to Wednesday (July 4th) when "the dog" had been up in her cage for most of the day(notice I only referred to her as "the dog" instead of the usual "precious our baby"?). Then I think about yesterday, and how she refused to stay in her bed so she ended up sleeping in the bed with me most of the day...Can anyone see where this is going?

     You see "The dog" has somewhat of a "I'll get you back" nature, and no this is not the first time she has sought revenge on items belonging to me, but this is the first time that her spiteful ways have ever made me cry. As I walked to the living room to show Scott "The dog's" malicious act, I could feel the tears welling up inside of me. "Look what YOUR DOG did" I said holding up the jammie bottoms and look at him through the enormous hole she had chewed. He starts to laugh, which only hurts me more "It's NOT funny" I yell and then, I toss the pants in the trash can as I walk to our bedroom and slam the door.

     I had just covered up when Scott walks in and with the sweetest voice says "don't be mad at me". All of a sudden the tears that had been building since I found the jammies with the hole poured out and I explained to the wonderful man I adore that "I am not mad at you, it's just everything is changing" (I start a new schedule at work on Monday which means I lose Friday nights with him*Update schedule didn't change THANK YOU GOD and a child I have become very attached to at work will be leaving soon, getting attached is a no no in my line of work, we know that the children will be leaving its just a matter of when). Then I said with tears still rolling "They are just pj's but they were MY pj's and I cant ever have anything nice"(which is definitely not something I should be confessing over my life). Scott just rubs my head as I continue to sob and I finally say "and I'm just so tired".

     I'm not quite sure if he understood that I meant I am tired since I have been up since 10 last night, but I am also emotionally tired...If you follow me on facebook then you know that we have another fertility appointment made for the 26th of this month which means obviously that we have still not conceived.

     If you have had infertility issues in the past then you know the kind of tired that I was referring to, I am tired of being upset, I am tired of seeing others have what I want so desperately, I am tired of hearing "it will happen" I am tired of giving it time. I am tired of crying over it, I am tired of loosing sleep over it, I am just tired...The "I" word simply put,  SUCKS!

     No matter how tired I get though I still pray to our AWESOME God, The very God who will move mountains for me, the same God who loved me so much that he gave HIS son for me so that you and I could live eternally! When I think about what a love that must be it gives me goosebumps!

     I know that God will give us the desires of our hearts, his word tells us this in Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart".

     Last Sunday at church our wonderful Pastor talked about the fact that God does not want us to worry and if we can just grasp the fact that if we give our "problems" up to God he will give us rest Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

     So for this week I am challenging you all as well as myself to cast all your cares upon him, and receive rest from the only one who can truly give you the rest you are looking for. And don't go crying over spilled milk, spilled perfume or in my case ruined pj's! Side note---- being the wonderful man that I love so dearly, Mr. Hubs decided that he would let me take a nap after my mini melt down. He returned about an hour later with supper, PIZZA of course and me a new pair of pj's needless to say that put a big smile on my face!-A